Three Days of Hell on Earth!

2008 was the year that I typed the first story telling words on my laptop and I felt proud when I saved the word document. It took me 6 years after that before I wrote my first scientific lines for a booklet having only 95 pages and it t took me 3 years more before I wrote my very first scientific article. A real crappy one compared to my latest publications. Really, it was that bad, I cannot edit this myself anymore! And yes, I still have the article what bears the title, “Tachyon; the Leading Element in Evolution? “

Nevertheless, holding the home printed version of my very first scientific article I felt like standing at the top of the Mount Everest. I had reached the top of my writing skills! Hum, I was wrong. Standing on that mountain a helicopter flew over and the pilot informed me that I was not on the mountain I thought I was on—apparently that is a few hundred kilometers in a different direction. How did I end up here? Not to worry, I can tweak a couple of parameters and then apply my insights to the actual mountain I was standing on—assuming it is actually a mountain—has anyone checked?

After all those years of writing it turned out that I was just starting. 2 more years of struggling and pushing the boundaries in learning more about the scientific fields and how to find the correct words which are expressing both the complexity and the beauty of contemporary science, was what I still had in front of me. 

Today, anno 2020, 4 books, 17 published issues of The Next Truth and over two dozen articles can be added to my leaning process. But have I reached that point in where I have aced my writing skills? May I tell myself that I am allowed to look out for the highest point of the Mount Everest? 

In the second week of January 2020 I received an email from IWMF (International Woman’s Media Foundation) what stated that several grant proposals had been opened that provided me the opportunity to submit my proposal. Even this feeling of ‘is my English sufficient enough for this’ started to overpower me I was eager to start. So, I opened the form and, when scrolling to the bottom, I found that I needed two professional references. SH*T!

It took two days but I found two people willing to act as a reference. Yes…fantastic! Thank you so much. And so, the next day I started to write but what I did not knew in that euphoric moment was that writing this grant proposal turned out to become 3 days of pure Hell on Earth!

My surrounding did not understand me. Why was I putting in these tremendous efforts for something which I probably would not get anyway? “It is an uncertain factor, a waste of time! So, why all these efforts for nothing?“ Because I believe in myself, that is why!

Three days passed by of writing, rewriting and pushing my own boundaries…again because this was not the first time that I wrote into a grant proposal. I felt alone, not understood and my brain was slowly turning into something that looked like crumb cake. The moment I finally clicked the ‘submit‘ button, what was about 01:30 in the morning, I could no longer distinguish the letters from the words.

Three days after I started writing my grant proposal, I found myself staring at my computer screen reading these words “Your application has been submitted successfully” over and over again. There I was, tired and alone in the middle of the night and…I cried. I felt relieved, exited and shitty at the same time while dealing with these thoughts of not being selected as a candidate for this grant. People will say…”You see, it was all for nothing. You are just not good enough!”

Now, you can say, “Ah, there is that female thing again“, but in my opinion, these feelings are logical and normal. It does not show weakness, as some might think of that moment in where someone is expressing his/her emotions and/or thoughts; it shows that you are human first.

For those who write into grant proposals on a regular base, regardless the topic and financial amounts involved, you have my full respect because you have giving more then 100% of yourself.  

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